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When a child moves to a new country and seem to struggle to settle into school, adults often focus first on school performance. They ask if they are reading at a grade level. Or are they writing properly? Are their marks okay? Do they understand the teacher? Are they completing their homework?

All these questions matter. But there’s another question we don’t ask enough, which is does this child have even one friend at school? Not five friends or a big group, but one child they seat with and talk to.

For many newcomer children, the hardest part of moving to Canada isn’t the new curriculum, the accent, weather, or the classroom rules. It’s walking into school every day and feeling like no one knows or understands them. It’s hearing classmates talk about birthday parties, sports teams, jokes, games, and weekend plans and feeling like they are watching life happen from outside the window.

And many kids don’t come home and say to their parents, “I’m lonely” or “No one plays with me.”

When kids change after a move, it’s important to remember that the kid not only lost friends who understood their language. They also lost familiar faces who knew their jokes, playgrounds where they knew the rules, and the comfort of walking into a classroom and not having to figure out belonging.

These are big emotional shifts for a child. And while this can show up as laziness, distraction, academic struggles, or attitude, it’s sometimes just loneliness sitting underneath.

And if we don’t diagnose it properly, we may start trying to correct the wrong problem. Here are three places loneliness shows up:

The recess time can be one of the loneliest places in school. In class, at least there’s some structure. The teacher is speaking, students are engrossed in work, and everyone has a place to sit. Recess, however, shows where a child belongs socially.

Who sits with whom? Who’s included in the joke? Who gets ignored? Who eats alone? And suddenly, the recess period becomes a daily reminder that they are outside the circle. If they are shy or introverted, they may not know how to ask, “Can I sit with you?” Because they are scared the answer will be no.

So they stay quiet. And when they get home, the parents ask, “Did you eat your lunch?” When the question really should be “Who did you eat with?” A child can eat a full lunch and still hunger for an emotional connection.

Adults often think group work helps children socialise. Sometimes it does help. But for an immigrant kid who isn’t feeling confident yet, group work can be stressful. Imagine you’re seated with three or four classmates who already know each other. They all speak fast, in an accent you’re still getting used to. They use jokes, slangs, and references you don’t understand.

They divide the work before you grasp what’s happening. You want to contribute and share how you did similar back home, but you’re not sure how they’ll take it. So again, you stay quiet.

In most cases, the teacher thinks you aren’t participating. However, the real issue isn’t a lack of effort but lack of confidence or fear of judgement. This is why adults have to look deeper in such cases.

Then there’s the social exclusion that happens outside school. They may hear classmates talking about birthday parties or playdates they weren’t invited to and wonder why nobody asked them to come.

This feeling of being left out can affect self-esteem. And if not tackled, the child can begin to think that something is wrong with them or maybe that they don’t fit there.

Many newcomer kids are kind, intelligent, and interesting. But friendship in a new country requires more than being nice. Children need to know how to start a conversation, how to join a group, how to respond if someone says no, and how to stay confident when they feel different.

For a child in a new country, these are life skills. So, we can’t just tell the child, “Hey, why don’t you go out and make some friends.” That’s not helpful. And while it sounds easy to adults, it can be a nerve-wracking experience for a child.

One way to help is to provide children with simple words they can use in real situations.

You can start by practicing simple friendship scripts such as:

These sentences give a child a starting point in conversations with classmates.

Teach them what to do if someone says no: Doing so is important as children need to learn that a rejection doesn’t mean they are worthless.  If someone says, "No, you can't play with us" the child can say, "Okay, maybe another time." Then they can walk away with dignity. Teach your child that one no does not mean everyone will say no and they can always try again with someone else.

Give them small weekly challenges: Do not expect your child to become social overnight. Start small and give the child the opportunity to build confidence slowly.

Practice social situations at home through role-play: Parents can pretend to be a classmate and practice short conversations. For example, the parent may ask, "What are you playing?" and the child may answer, "Basketball." The parent may then ask, "Can I join?" and the child may respond, "Sure."

Then they can switch roles. Practice what to say if the answer is yes. Practice what to say if the answer is no. Practice what to say if someone laughs or if the child does not understand. This prepares the child emotionally before they face the situation at school.

Help your child build identity, not just language: Friendship is not only about language. Your child needs to know that her accent or food isn’t weird and her culture isn’t embarrassing. They need to know they can belong in Canada.

When they feel proud of who they are, they start to open up. Parents can help by speaking positively about the child's background, language, culture, and journey. A newcomer child does not need to become less of themselves to make friends.

Many parents ask direct questions after school like, ”Do you have friends?” or “Who did you play with” or “Why are you always alone?”

These are all well-intended but can feel overwhelming for a child. And for one already struggling with loneliness, it’s more likely to make them feel embarrassed or defensive. And so they shut you out. Instead, ask softer, more specific questions. Try asking:

Remember, the goal is to understand what they are going true and give them the opportunity to open up to you without feeling judged.

Watch for signs of social loneliness: The child may avoid going to school. They may say they have stomach aches often, say “nothing happened” every day, eat little at school, or lose interest in activities. They might also be always angry or frustrated, or become dependent on screens because the online world feels safer than real life. One sign isn’t a reason to panic but pay attention to patterns as those tell a story.

Ask the teacher about their social progress too: Academics matter but you should always ask the teacher social questions such as:

A child’s social environment plays a role in focus, class participation, their ability to take academic risks, and more.

Don’t shame your child for being lonely: Don’t assume your child is antisocial or it doesn't matter to them just because they are quiet. Sometimes it matters so much that they don’t want to talk about it. So don’t say things like, “Why can’t you make friends?” or “Other kids are doing fine” or “You are too sensitive.” These statements only make matters worse.

Instead use language that gives safety such as “You are not the only child who feels this way” or “I’m always here to listen” or “Nothing is wrong with you. You’re learning a new place.”

As parents, you can’t sit beside your child during recess. You can’t enter every group project, force other children to invite your child, or protect your child from every uncomfortable moment. But you can build a bridge between what your child feels and what the teacher understands.

Most educators and teachers care deeply and want to help. But sometimes for various reasons, the school is focused on what the child isn’t doing. So you need to become your child’s biggest advocate. Ask if they’ve been given a safe way to join the social world of their classroom. Prod to see if anyone has checked if they are lonely or what school feels like for them.

At The Learners Pathway, we often see that when children feel seen, heard, and emotionally safe, they begin to open up. When they are given communication tools, confidence-building practice, and gentle leadership opportunities, they slowly begin to rebuild the parts of themselves that became quiet during transition. The child who avoided eye contact begins to speak. The child who was scared to speak in class begins to share bits and pieces of their world with others.

Dear parent, if your newcomer child is struggling to make friends, don’t immediately assume something is wrong with them. Start by helping them say one brave sentence or with one simple practice.