The JJC's Guide to Canada
A hilarious guide I should have written for myself before leaving Nigeria.
One time, I almost exposed myself to credit card fraud.
Here’s the gist - I went to the store to purchase some snacks. When it was time to pay, I handed the cashier my card. Big mistake!
He glared at me and my card for almost 15 seconds (that’s a long time if you plank) and asked why I was giving him my card. In that moment of confusion, I almost snapped at him for wasting my time.
You see, I was used to cashiers handling my card back home. Thankfully, he explained that I had to tap the card myself.
It was an embarrassing teaching moment about how to handle my credit cards. I was basically giving the cashier access to not only my identity but my line of credit. If he were a thief, he would’ve cloned my card and put me in debt less than one month after arriving in the country.
The interesting thing about moving somewhere new is the novelty of adjusting to the culture and practices.
Navigating life as an alien in a new place doesn’t always come with embarrassing moments, thank God! But some of them remind me of my status as a Black woman. They remind me of my Nigerianness. And I don’t always hate them.
But since we’re supposed to learn from our past experiences, this is me recalling culture shock moments from my first year in Canada.
My Nigerian self still struggles to get used to many of the surprising habits. But if I had to come back again, I would write these notes to my past self to prepare myself.
Canadians won’t greet you with “good morning”. They only say “hi” with a smile plastered on their face. The smile doesn’t mean you can start a conversation. Keep it moving.
Everybody answers their father’s name. There’s no sir or ma here unless you’re a service person.
Cram your bus stops like your WAEC exam. Otherwise, you’ll trek so much you’ll feel your quads shaping into strong yams.
The closest you’ll come to experiencing point-and-kill is when ordering sandwiches at Subway.
Many Oyinbo people will butcher your name and smile at you while doing it. Stare them down and correct them.
Some will say they don’t understand your accent. Don’t get offended. They suck, and that’s not your problem.
Winter will kick your ass. You’ll have to choose death or fashion. Sometimes, choose death. Sometimes, dress like a Yoruba auntie in winter. Sometimes, dress like the Michelin Tyre Man.
Remember to smile at people who walk their dogs so they won’t say you scared the dog into biting you.
Don’t hand the cashier your credit card at checkout like Naija’s POS system. You don’t want gbese on your head so soon.
Downtown dey smell pass anything. Forget the restaurants and historical buildings.
Eat as much ponmo as you can before leaving. It’s contraband here.
Canada doesn’t know if it wants to be an American or British colony, so it celebrates Queen Victoria’s birthday instead of May Day.
You’ll buy the N800 pack of Maggi cubes for N8k ($20). It’s that or eating bland food.
Say “washroom” instead of “toilet,” and tell people to “have a good one” instead of “have a nice day.”
The football fields are for dog walking.
Tipping is expensive and formal.
It costs an equivalent of N60k to braid hair. Do gorimapa instead
DIY isn’t a lifestyle. It is the life.
They don’t use to say owa on buses here. (I kid, I kid)
You’ll work on Eid. Sallah ram costs half a kidney
Nigerians are very nice when they’re not showing off.
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This article originally appeared in Malikah Maryam’s Japa Series on Dec. 31st, 2021. It’s been edited and updated for publishing on The Newcomers Podcast.
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